Crossroads

Radiohead. Pink Floyd. Play a song to make me forget. Play a song to make me cry. Play a song to make me feel good about all that we had. Play a song to make me realise all that I can't have. Play a song to make me feel miserable I can't play the guitar like that and sweep you off your feet. Show me the hills and the mist. Make me feel closer to myself. Make me feel farther from you. Money buys me happiness. Money can't buy me real happiness. I want to join college again. I want to put the clock back ten years. I want to grow younger by six years. I want to sky-dive to feel nothing but gravity. I want to sit by the ocean and hope the sound of the waves can drown my thoughts. The ocean reminds me of you and all the worries of the world written on your face. I don't want to be bound by social rules. I don't want to get married. I want to get married to be normal. I crave to be normal. I crave to be average. I want to be like the others who get to work abroad and learn about life. I don't want to buckle to external pressures. I welcome external pressures because it distracts me from my own confusions. I feel more alive than ever. I would welcome death if it came the next moment. I feel so frustratingly inadequate. I only want you. I desperately want to get back to 2001 and make more friends. I regret nothing yet I want to change my past. You showed me the liberation that Radiohead provides. You are the closest I ever had to a brother. You, not you, you are all I want. You, not you, can destroy all I live for. You, not you, are so snooty and self-centred. I want a purpose. I don't want a purpose to derail my journey. Dearest one, I want to be so near to you, I want you to hug me and tell me everything is fine, I want to see that goofy smile on your angelic face again. I want peace. I find peace in moments. I find turmoil in other moments. Turmoil wrecks peace. I am at a crossroad where all the lights except one are green.